My mind and my soul are in direct competition with each other. As I've mentioned previously, my mind comprehends certain issues which my soul has yet to accept. I go to sleep feeling okay. In the pre-dawn hours of semi-wakefulness I roll over in my bed without awareness, seeking the warmth of T's body, which is not there. My earliest thoughts, every day, are of T, despite my not wanting these thoughts. I come to slightly more wakefulness and realize my stupidity. He's not there. He won't ever be there. My mind then begins the slow torture which keeps me from returning to sleep. Today it was images of him having sex with another woman.
Please, I ask, how can I make my subconscious mind in line with my conscious mind? I want the torture to stop.