Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

May the New Year bring new joy.

Monday, December 28, 2009

New Year

2009: A year I don't want to repeat.
I'm glad for what the year brought. Closer to my Master's degree. January 17th my divorce will be final. Numerous changes at work, changes in healthcare, changes in my household. No way do I want to repeat this year.

I'm grateful for what Tom brought to my life at the time. I felt desired, sexy, and had a lot of fulfilling times. I'm disappointed that so much of that has been discarded, but it's not my call. I surely don't want to repeat that again. Not only does the whole ending not represent how I choose to treat people, but I learned a very hard lesson. I'm still learning the lesson bit by bit, and it's not been a fun one to learn. I may be an old dog, but I can still learn.

I'm so grateful for my kids. Both are extraordinary in their own way. Jon in his seriousness, in his wry humor, and his daily gratitude. He says thank you and really means it and its a delight to hear it, because I know he really means it. I've driven him to school on rainy days, having been woken up far too early from a warm bed, and he'll tell me thanks before we are even out the door. He knows what I'm giving him on a daily basis. What's even more astonishing is that I'd continue to give him my motherly love and support without the thanks, but his words make it all that much more rewarding.

Ben is a totally different boy. They have different body types. Where Jon is lean and muscular, Ben is built like a linebacker. He's two and a half years younger, but is the same height and outweighs his brother by 30#. I worry that Ben has a tendancy to the stocky side, and he's a very picky eater, but boy does he have a good attitude! Ben finds humor in almost anything. He is wise beyond his years, and he is such a flatterer. He also knows the benefit of a good hug. I love his wit and his way with words. He's my charmer and I fully expect him to make me a grandmother within the next 12 years.

The love a mom has for her kids is amazingly powerful and pure. I don't want anything from them. Well, maybe a homemade card for mother's day would be nice, and help with the household chores, but I don't expect anything else from them. I love them totally and without limit. I often tell Ben that I love him higher than the sky and deeper than the ocean, for there are no bounds to the love I have for me kids.

I also know I have to make them do things that aren't fun in order to become decent adults. They must share in chores. They must participate in the household. They must work hard at school. They must be honest with their parents, wash daily, and brush their teeth before bed. I cannot say how much I hate parents that make their kids the center of their world and let the kids control the family. Makes me think of what wimps the parents are and what a horrid childhood the kid will have. No one wants a boss at work who acts like a 5 year old, so why would someone want a home-boss who provides all that a 5 yr old has to offer? Grow a backbone!

I'm looking forward to 2010. It is a year full of promise.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


I meant to write this yesterday, on the solstice, but I was simply too busy. What is it about life, where it's either feast or famine.

I love this time of year. The end of the shortening days and the beginning of the lengthened days. Spring is just around the corner. From the day the clocks fall back to this day, when the days become longer, is my least favorite time of year. Thankfully, the sunsets are generally marvelous in the autumn, which helps to make it bearable, but I really can't begin to say how horrid it feels to go to work when the sun is low in the sky and the night seems to go on forever.

Oh, and dad is here. He's a true European. He's been here for two weeks and he's taken just one shower. He doesn't stink, really, he just doesn't smell good. Much as I love him, I'm looking forward to his week down south with my other siblings.

To the Solstice.. to the march of time.. to March and Spring!

Saturday, December 19, 2009


I went to a Kairos Choral event last week. The theme was about angels. One part of the production, the kids passed out baskets that hand "angel words" on them. The word was to be your theme for the day. Mine was *acceptance*. Yes, I do need to work on that. Some things, though, I just don't want to accept. I want to know that friendships actually mean something, that people aren't disposable, that good deeds will eventually bring their own rewards.

I do accept that people move on, that not everyone's thoughts will mesh at all times, but I prefer to maintain the hope and expectation that people can talk to each other to gain understanding and that not much is solved by silence.

Do I choose to accept no healthcare for all? Do I choose to accept that people are still going to war? Do I choose to accept the things that shouldn't be accepted? No, I choose to change what I can, bit by bit. As they say, even water will eventually wear away stone.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The waiting game

Hospitals, these days, try. When a loved one is having a procedure done, there is now an electronic patient tracking board, which lets the people waiting know just where the patient is at all times. The board is limited to display 25 patients, in alphabetical order. Unfortunately, there are about 30 patients that need to be listed, and, of course, my family name is at the end of the alphabet.

I've been waiting patiently. I went to my local cafe to have some toast and a coffee while I waited. I was told the procedure would take less than 30 min. I arrived at the cafe before 11 am, and left at 12:15. No call. No ability to see where Mom is on the electronic board. I had to wait to ask for assistance. Please, can you just scroll down on the e-board, so I can see if my mom's procedure is completed?

They can't just tell me, they need to call PACU. They tell me it will be at least 30 minutes before she's taken to the surgery day center. I hate waiting. I was going to take a new photo today with the webcam, as the lighting in the waiting area is very nice. I'm sitting by a window, with filtered light from the plantings outside. I look like a wreck. As if I didn't sleep. No shit.

Friday, December 11, 2009


I've always had the ability to see patterns when my eyes are closed. If I shut my eyes, I get a little light show. The patterns vary. Sometimes I see swirling colors, sometimes it's geometric shapes. It is never very clearly focused, but it is always somewhat entertaining. I've been told that this is rather unusual, as most people don't "see" things when their eyes are closed. This morning I had a new phenomenon; I saw textures. It was as if I were looking at a lizard skin up close, seeing tiny scales, with color. Today it was yellow. I've never understood what causes these images, but they are cool to watch when I can't sleep.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


I've been thinking a lot about what a friend is and what it means to be a friend.  To me a friend is someone you share your life with; your joys and sorrows, your doubts and revelations.  A friend is someone who cheers you on and who receives your own cheers when the friend needs support.  A friend is someone who knows all the nitty-gritty about a person and doesn't judge.  A friend speaks the truth to you and isn't afraid for the repercussions because a real friend knows that the friendship will remain intact through the truth.

Friends don't ignore each other.  Friends stay in contact, though periods of quiet can happen, too.  Friends make each other feel better when they are together, not worse.  It's a give-and-take relationship, sometimes one gives much more than the other, but eventually the roles get reversed.  Friendships, generally, are for life.

I'm still trying to figure out who my friends are. I'm also surprised by who some are turning out to be.

I like Wikipedia's definition very much:
Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between two or more people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as the exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for some, the practical execution of friendship is little more than the trust that someone will not harm them.