Saturday, September 26, 2009


Am I feeling better? Maybe. A tad. No tears today. No feeling sorry for myself.  After taking 2 Excedrin pm, I actually slept 6 hours, too.  I think now I really have a lot of questions, but I'm not sure if I will get answers. I guess I will have to ask and see what happens.  I'm still so very puzzled and feel knocked silly.

I kept seeing things that were irritating to me; a few trinkets I had gotten to give to T, a copy of a gift certificate I had given to him last Feb 14. I decided to send them on to him and get them out of my daily sight.  Maybe he will be angered that he got these things and he will just toss them. More waste.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Stages of Loss

Many of us have learned (at least nurses have) about the 5 stages of loss, initially written about by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining,  depression, and acceptance. All stages must be experienced in order to process the loss and to heal.

I know I'm going through these stages. I know I'm processing through the denial and the anger. I'll know I'll get to the acceptance, in time.  I am a strong woman and I do have good judgement.  I also want to get to the place where I can appreciate Tom for all he is without feeling the pain of loss. I do want to be his friend, if nothing else.

Mulling over

So I am confused, as usual. In my hours of not sleeping, I've been pondering over all that has been said and done. 
Maybe one can have good sex without feelings behind it, but I can't. He's talked about the ladder theory, so maybe he can.
When I got back after the last visit earlier this month, he was talking about how well we get along. He also talked about wishing he had a king sized bed.  Don't need such a big bed if you kick your gf out of it.
I can only imagine he's puzzled, too. He seemed genuinely to love me a few weeks ago.  Again, I can't understand how one can be so easily swayed or can so easily mis-read things.

I just feel its such a horrible waste.  He's a good man. I'm a good woman. We were even better together, I thought.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


I realize that I have many people in my life who love me and give me the support and strength I need from them.  I thank Rock Diva for reminding me of this. Of the endless love I receive from my children. Of the hugs Ben has given me, saying "Mommy, you look so sad".  Of the love my father gives me over half the world away, telling me he wants to hear the sadness gone from my voice.  Of the small touches of love and gratitude from my patients and their families.  Of Carrie and Brenda, who have brought tears to my eyes with their kindness and words of support and of their words of dismay at how T can't see the love that I give so freely and openly and how that cannot be enough.  I thank the loving people in my life for reminding me that life is worth feeling. Even these miserable days when I want to stop feeling.

One of the things I often heard growing up is that I am too sensitive; that things of an emotional nature hit me harder than with others.  Perhaps this is true, as I've seen people shrug off these challenges with barely a blink of the eye.  I've lost sleep. I dont' feel like eating. I cry at the drop of a hat. I've just finished reading "A Thousand Splendid Suns" and marvel at how humans can endure life, and yet find such satisfaction in the end.  That is all I want, to be satisfied, with my life, with my children, and with the choices I've made in my life. I'm told I will find this, in time.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

more on love

Yeah, I've been thinking about this a lot. No, I don't want things to be forced in love, and yet when I think about life in general, how many things must we force every day?  Currently, I hate my job. I love what I do, but I hate doing it.  Too many people not getting the work they need, so many little fights about what can be said, by whom, and when, and always tired. Juggling being a mom, work, and school is tough. Far tougher than I ever imagined, but I will persevere. I want my kids to know hard work is worth it and that it is possible to succeed in multiple responsibilities at one time. I force myself to do my  reading and writing for school, putting off simple pleasures to get that chore done. I force myself to go to the gym because I want to be proud of who I see in the mirror. These are all worth-while things to force.
It's my opinion that sometimes the things we force are worth it, because in the end, we gain so much from doing them. We learn new appreciation for things when we need to work for them. In love, there will inevitably be dead spots. We can't possibly be "on" all the time. One has to evaluate whether or not the relationship is worth the effort to get through the dull spots. I know damn well I'm worth working through a dull spot or two. I'm a smart, sexy, loyal, and honest woman who isn't afraid of a bit of hard work.  It's sad to think that isn't "all that".

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Love, When it that enough?

Life is complex and complicated. I surely don't understand many facets of it.  I recently was told by my boyfriend that he has a crush on another girl.  I've also been told that he's been forcing things with me and just doesn't feel "all that".
He says that we get along very well on some levels but he's not really feeling it on other levels.
I think that is bullshit.
I know how things are when they are bad.  This relationship is far from bad. It has been pretty good, Pretty damn good, if you ask me.  Sure, I'm not perfect, but neither is he. Lord knows he has his faults, too. Humans come with imperfections, which is part of what makes us interesting.  What I don't understand is how I can be in a relationship and feel that its one way, but that he doesn't share that feeling? How can I be so mistaken about my love?
Sure, new crushes are exciting and make hormones race. Crushes are not love, nor can they last. I've known this guy for over three years, and I had been getting in it deeper over time. He says he's been withdrawing lately.  I don't know if he's been withdrawing in order to devote more time to this crush, or that the withdrawing came first. I'm not sure I'll ever know.  I also know that over my 16 year marriage, I have had my share of crushes.  Meeting new people is exciting and feeling attractive to another person certainly has its appeal.  Despite these crushes, I never cheated on my marriage. Not while I was with my husband. Once I had made the decision to leave the marriage, then certainly I left it in all sense of the word.  Making a commitment to a person means sucking it up. It means having the crushes, but being man (or woman) enough not to act upon them.  Regardless of the length of a relationship, they will continue to appear and the devoted lover chooses, again and again, to quelsh them.
This totally sucks. TOTALLY.  I've lost this bit of comfort in my life that has certainly helped keep me sane.  I'm living this life that I'm only enduring because I know it will get better. I feel like I'm endlessly waiting for the damn construction to begin, and it keeps getting postponed. I want to not have to interact with my ex on a daily basis.  Being able to visit my boyfriend was an oasis in all this chaos. I feel I've lost my little island sanity and comfort.  I don't even know what will happen over time. I just know I'm seriously hurting now.

Friday, September 11, 2009


I attended a nursing conference the last few days in San Francisco.  Things that I have come to expect of an employer, any employer, such as being able to take a break every 4 hours, being able to eat a meal during an 8 to 12 to 16 hour shift, and being able to do the work assigned to me, isn't happening for many nurses. I learned of nurses in "right to work" states being assigned 12-15 patients on a medical-surgical floor.  On an 8 hour shift, that only gives a nurse 45 minutes with each patient; for her assessment and reassessment of pain, to administer medications, to maintain and change IVs, to teach, to console, to heal.  She doesn't have the time to attend to each person individually, nor can she engage herself with the families of these patients.  Given time, education can happen with the families of those in the hospital to help prevent similar health conditions from occurring given education.  If I were in hospital, I'd sure want to know that my nurse had more than 2 hours and 25 minutes allotted to me every 24 hours - ESPECIALLY when I (or my insurance company) is paying significant funds for the priviledge for being in a hospital for nursing care!

More than ever, as I learn that the average hospital CEO salary is 8 million dollars a year, do I realize that nurses have a RIGHT, as do their patients, to have nursing ratios, to have safe staffing bills, and to have adequate compensation for the work that is being done.  How is it that firefighters and police officers can retire after 20 years of service with adequate compensation and health benefits, when nurses must work until government retirement age of 65-67 in order to receive garanteed pension in the name of social security and medicare?

Please consider supporting S 1031 which would provide staffing ratios for all nurses across the country.  This garantees that your loved ones will have a nurse available when your family member is in the hospital; a nurse whose soul aim is to provide safe, effective, and theraputic, regardless of the aim of the insurance carrier for that patient.