Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Now I know why people drink

I am so totally devastated. I haven't felt this bad in decades. I'm still not sleeping. When I finally fell back asleep a few hours later, and then I dreamed.

In my dream I was at the beach, and I was walking with T and we were kissing. I wake up and I'm back to square one. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want to stop thinking of him. I want to stop dreaming of him. I want to sleep. I want to eat because I want to, not because I'm feeling faint at the gym. I want to stop crying. I want to have fun again. I want to enjoy playing a computer game. I want to sew because I like it.

I don't want to feel destroyed and devastated any more.  Wanting something and having it are two different things and most things I can figure out how to get.  I surely don't know how to do this. I only know how to get through one hour, one day. Step by step. One foot in front of the other.

I need to pack up his quilt and put it away. I don't feel like making it any more. I don't want to give him something he and his new date will sleep under and fuck on. Consider me selfish. I might feel differently if other gifts had been appreciated. I feel like an old grandmother with her grandchildren, "if they don't send thank you notes, they didn't appreciate the gift, so no more gifts!" I hate feeling like this, but its how it is, so there ya go. :(

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