Thursday, November 19, 2009

stages of loss: anger

I'm finally at this stage.  I keep hearing from T, "I never wanted a long-distance relationship."  My answer is, you may not have wanted one, but you DID have one.  I still can't understand why, when I told you on more than one occasion that I loved you, that you didn't tell me you had other thoughts and feelings WHEN YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT IN PERSON.  I think you are taking an easy way out by using the excuse that you never wanted the long-distance thing. I had believed in the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words."

I also think that you wore blinders if you didn't see that I was generous with you;  more so than would be expected of just a friend.  You saw how long it takes to make a quilt. I worked several days in front of you, cutting and sewing and ironing and yet the quilt was not still done. You have two of them. How could you not see that making something for you was a gift of love?  Port club; also a gift of love. Yes, I cancelled that, so no more shipments will be coming to you. I cringe to think that I may have been supplying the beverage you and your new date are drinking.  A washer? Why would "just a friend" give that to you?  Sewing machine? Couldn't you see that maybe I thought I'd be there again and again, and I'd want to sew. Scrubbing the deck... I have been kicking myself for not seeing that you just weren't that in to me, but then I realize you didn't bother to see just how much I was in to you, and you did nothing to stop it.  You called yourself my boyfriend. I didn't put those words in your mouth. You used them freely.

Yes, I am pissed off that you didn't have the where-with-all to handle the non-relationship with more understanding, and the cold indifference you seem to have now.  Sure, you are a bit sad to give up what you had with me, but only because you didn't have "it." I beg to differ. You had it, but it just wasn't convenient for you anymore.  I realize that I may be nailing the coffin by writing this here, but I also know that you deserve to see yourself the way I perceive things. I also don't think you read the blog anyway.  No one does.  People are not to be used and then disgarded. People, other than you, have feelings worthy of recognition.  I have real feeings for you. It is called Love. It's very sad that you never recognized that.  You know what? I still do.  It sucks.

I've also decided that it's really not in me to sustain anger and hurt.  I'm pulling through this unexpected situation, and I wan tto do it with grace and dignity.  Bitching and moaning won't get me there. I think I do it because I've tried numerous times to have this discussion with T, but it never seems to get off the ground. I can only bang my head so much before I realize that it only hurts more to do that.

On a positive note, I bought some art today. I'm going to hang it when my part of my home becomes mine alone. I'll put up photos soon.  In the meantime, check out , as what I bought is from this collection.

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