Thankful

I could do the standard list of this for which I am thankful: my health, my good fortune to have been born in SF, my education, my two delightful sons, my job, my parents, etc.  Of course, I am thankful for that.
I'm now also thankful that T is being such an un-friend that leaving him behind is easier.  He barely holds a conversation with me, he leaves questions asked unanswered, he says he will do things and doesn't (like the yogurt container tops and the 13 mirrors scan), he leaves conversations mid-stream and logs off without saying a good night.  Formerly when asked about giving *hugs*, he responded with, "it's just a hug" and yet I haven't gotten one in a month.  What the heck happened?  I'm noticing that he's not even a friend anymore.  A friend would say that he's happy my son did well.  A friend would want to see my new glasses.  A friend would bother to say g'night.  A friend would say Good job! when seeing how my jeans fit now.  A friend would return my stuff to me, like my DVD and bathrobe.  If you think its possible to be friends, T, then act like one.

1 pm update: Well, nice surprise. T called and we had a nice conversation.  I'm pleased, as the things that I liked about him are still there and I would enjoy him as a friend.

Also: got our contractor contract! I need to read it and sign, but *finally* progress!!
And!! I got a great comment on my final project in the last class. The instructor even said "wow!". I was very honored.

Proud momma and other things

From NCS

My son. I'm so proud of him. He's shaved off 30 seconds from his mile time to run his personal best at the NCS last Saturday.

I also feel better. I know what I'm thinking and feeling. I'm not sure I want to share it. It's not all good thoughts and butterflies. I'm just glad I feel better.

I miss my friend

It's been almost 4 weeks now. I used to play games in the evening and have some relaxing times with my friend. I'd get a good night message from time to time and comments about things that I bounced off my friend. Now all I hear is a dull thud when my messages don't get answered.  We've played ONCE in the 3 and a half weeks.  Yeah, I miss him as a lover, but I also miss him as a friend. Sad thing is, I don't think he misses me at all.  Or I don't think he realizes how different things are on this end. Does that make the last 3 years of our friendship worthless if he doesn't realize how much its changed?

stages of loss: anger

I'm finally at this stage.  I keep hearing from T, "I never wanted a long-distance relationship."  My answer is, you may not have wanted one, but you DID have one.  I still can't understand why, when I told you on more than one occasion that I loved you, that you didn't tell me you had other thoughts and feelings WHEN YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT IN PERSON.  I think you are taking an easy way out by using the excuse that you never wanted the long-distance thing. I had believed in the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words."

I also think that you wore blinders if you didn't see that I was generous with you;  more so than would be expected of just a friend.  You saw how long it takes to make a quilt. I worked several days in front of you, cutting and sewing and ironing and yet the quilt was not still done. You have two of them. How could you not see that making something for you was a gift of love?  Port club; also a gift of love. Yes, I cancelled that, so no more shipments will be coming to you. I cringe to think that I may have been supplying the beverage you and your new date are drinking.  A washer? Why would "just a friend" give that to you?  Sewing machine? Couldn't you see that maybe I thought I'd be there again and again, and I'd want to sew. Scrubbing the deck... I have been kicking myself for not seeing that you just weren't that in to me, but then I realize you didn't bother to see just how much I was in to you, and you did nothing to stop it.  You called yourself my boyfriend. I didn't put those words in your mouth. You used them freely.

Yes, I am pissed off that you didn't have the where-with-all to handle the non-relationship with more understanding, and the cold indifference you seem to have now.  Sure, you are a bit sad to give up what you had with me, but only because you didn't have "it." I beg to differ. You had it, but it just wasn't convenient for you anymore.  I realize that I may be nailing the coffin by writing this here, but I also know that you deserve to see yourself the way I perceive things. I also don't think you read the blog anyway.  No one does.  People are not to be used and then disgarded. People, other than you, have feelings worthy of recognition.  I have real feeings for you. It is called Love. It's very sad that you never recognized that.  You know what? I still do.  It sucks.

I've also decided that it's really not in me to sustain anger and hurt.  I'm pulling through this unexpected situation, and I wan tto do it with grace and dignity.  Bitching and moaning won't get me there. I think I do it because I've tried numerous times to have this discussion with T, but it never seems to get off the ground. I can only bang my head so much before I realize that it only hurts more to do that.

On a positive note, I bought some art today. I'm going to hang it when my part of my home becomes mine alone. I'll put up photos soon.  In the meantime, check out http://littleworldwonder.com/etching/Ocean.html , as what I bought is from this collection.

quotes

I've always loved a good quote.  Of course, this one has to pop into my head:
"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."


Last part of this post was deleted by me.  Having written it, I felt badly. I'm better than what I wrote, thus, it's gone.

Now I know why people drink

I am so totally devastated. I haven't felt this bad in decades. I'm still not sleeping. When I finally fell back asleep a few hours later, and then I dreamed.

In my dream I was at the beach, and I was walking with T and we were kissing. I wake up and I'm back to square one. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want to stop thinking of him. I want to stop dreaming of him. I want to sleep. I want to eat because I want to, not because I'm feeling faint at the gym. I want to stop crying. I want to have fun again. I want to enjoy playing a computer game. I want to sew because I like it.

I don't want to feel destroyed and devastated any more.  Wanting something and having it are two different things and most things I can figure out how to get.  I surely don't know how to do this. I only know how to get through one hour, one day. Step by step. One foot in front of the other.

I need to pack up his quilt and put it away. I don't feel like making it any more. I don't want to give him something he and his new date will sleep under and fuck on. Consider me selfish. I might feel differently if other gifts had been appreciated. I feel like an old grandmother with her grandchildren, "if they don't send thank you notes, they didn't appreciate the gift, so no more gifts!" I hate feeling like this, but its how it is, so there ya go. :(

Knowing it's the end

I've finally had it sink in.  Several things recently happened that demonstrates this to me.  The first was a very heart-felt email that was never answered.  The second was not receiving any sympathy for a hand injury I had.  The third was when I wasn't even asked about my daily message, which stated I had hurt my ankle the night before and hoped I could walk in the am.  No mention of this the next day when we chatted.

There are several things that get to me.  One is to be ignored.  The other is to feel unimportant.  He's done well to do both.  Thanks, T.  By being an ass, you've finally shown me, unequivically, that I don't matter to you.

All I need to know I learned in Kindergarten

I remember reading this book ages ago.  I really enjoyed the premise back then, and I still enjoy it now.  The author's premise is that what is taught in kindergarten really are just the things we need to continue to do as we get older.  We need to say "please" and "thank you." Personally, I think this simple point has been all too long forgotten.  We need to wash our hands after using the toilet.  We need to get enough sleep, eat a snack mid day, and make sure to not only work hard, but to play hard, too.

I got into an epic fight with a friend of mine a few days ago. Or I should say, yet another fight. This friend is unstable so I tend to give him a bit more slack than other friends.  I've lent this friend a significant amount of money and I've also sent him needed goods in order for him to have gainful employment (such as waterproof pants and jacket, panniers, tires and liners for his bike). I've even purchased his groceries a few times when he was very down on his luck.  Okay, fine. I have received a thank you for this. A verbal one. I've yet to receive one cent of the loan back, and I honestly don't expect to, but I haven't forgotten it, either.  So the fight: this friend begins to tell me of his favorite gift to get friends and how his friends just love his gifts.  He's told me of other things he's gotten for his friends, too. T-shirts and other small items.  This is also a friend who DEMANDS attention on his birthday and is mortally hurt if his birthday is overlooked or forgotten, but who has done nothing for my own birthday.  During the conversation, I ask this friend if he considers me a friend. "Oh yes, a very, very good friend!" was his answer.  I'm wondering to myself if I should be bothered that he's telling me about these gifts he's gotten other friends, but that he's never bothered to get me a gift. Oh, wait, let me correct that. After another "birthday fight" where he chewed me out for ignoring his birthday and I came back with "why should I bother, you never do anything for my birthday? I might consider doing something if I got the same consideration back" he got me a gift certificate to REI which I used towards buying a new bike helmet.

     Long story made shorter: I got pissed that he was telling me about all these gifts he got for his friends when he's done nothing for me but give me headaches.  This reminded me of the kindergarten learning of if you invite someone to your birthday party, you have to invite the whole class.  Don't tell me what a wonderful gift giver you are if I've never been the recipient of one of your gifts. It's rude and hurts people's feelings.  If I give a person a gift, I expect a thank you. I expect a spontaneous thank you and perhaps, if the gift was especially nice, I'd appreciate hearing how much you have enjoyed it over the years.  This request is nothing out of the ordinary. It's what we all learned in kindergarten, just some of us need to return to class for a refresher once in a while.

when will this torture end?

My mind and my soul are in direct competition with each other. As I've mentioned previously, my mind comprehends certain issues which my soul has yet to accept.  I go to sleep feeling okay. In the pre-dawn hours of semi-wakefulness I roll over in my bed without awareness, seeking the warmth of T's body, which is not there.  My earliest thoughts, every day, are of T, despite my not wanting these thoughts. I come to slightly more wakefulness and realize my stupidity. He's not there. He won't ever be there. My mind then begins the slow torture which keeps me from returning to sleep.  Today it was images of him having sex with another woman.
Please, I ask, how can I make my subconscious mind in line with my conscious mind? I want the torture to stop.