Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Cold, hard dose of reality

Today I feel as if I've lost my internal compass. The course I thought I was on is not the course I am following. I'm lost and not sure how to figure out where I am. I know I'll figure it out eventually, but until I do I feel disoriented and lost.

How did I get here? I met a man. Classic story, I guess. We met, by coincidence, online. We played together often. We emailed and IM'd eventually and grew to be friends. We shared hugs and snuggles online, but not anything more graphic than that. After about a year of this almost daily interaction, I let him know I could stop by his city on my way to a conference across the country. Initially he didn't want me to, but I did. We met. We had a great time together. We continued to talk online. 10 months later, I thought it was time to see him again. I took a long weekend and flew out just to spend time with him, over both our birthdays. I gave him a quilt; his second from me. We had a great time together. By this time, I'm hooked. I find him charming and fun and smart and filled with common sense. Talking to him is not difficult and sharing space with him is easy. I admire his patience; mostly because I lack it. I note when he's forced to wait for things, he grows calm and his face relaxes. He grows beautiful when he waits.
3 months later I fly out to visit again. A week this time. Again, I find myself peaceful with him and I love him. I let him know that the next time I visit, he needs to invite me, as the previous visits I had let him know I was coming and he (gladly, I hope) met me and spent time with me, but it was at my insistence. I need to feel wanted.

It's been two months. I need to schedule vacation time for the coming year with my work. It's an annual quest for time off. The most senior person gets the time she wants. The next person gets her time off. The third person gets whatever time off she wants.. until the 4th person. We are only allowed 4 people to be on vacation at one time, and only 3 people during the valuable Winter Vacation time. I need to decide by 2/22 and already there are times I won't be able to get off. I've also committed to covering for Ann, my jobshare partner, for late July-early August so she can go to Hawaii with her husband and a work friend. I let my online love know that I needed to plan time off and reminded him that if he wanted to spend time with me, he'd need to let me know.

Silence. I've heard it said that silence is golden. It is not. Silence here is filled with doubt. I feel unloved and unwanted by silence. I feel embarrassed by silence. How can I care about a person so very much and not even realize that it's not returned, in kind? I feel stupid and silly. And hurt. I think the worst is the hurt. I don't measure up. I'm not young and beautiful. I don't have the body of a 20-something. I'm middle aged after having two kids- and my body shows this. I have giant boobs and lines up my abdomen. Am I really so hideous? Obviously I'm filled with doubt, self-doubt.

Patience. I'm trying to have it. My logical mind says to be patient. My daily, rational thought says that he's there, almost every day, to talk, to play, and to just share time together. My emotional center is crying, though, that he doesn't want to see me again. I rarely don't know what to do, but this is one of those times. I'm lost and I don't know my way home. Yet.

1 comment:

  1. Didn't I tell you that you looked gorgeous the other night at Cesar's? Yur blue eyes were sparkling, and you looked great despite the long day at work. I was the one the was tired and drawn... after those nights of caring for the D-girl with her fever and worries. We are on a mission!
    And by the way, if you feel like making another quilt, I know a bedroom in Berkeley that needs one desperately. But I won't sleep with you to get it! Ugh!


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