I love to sleep. I've always enjoyed a good night's rest. Even as a child, I loved to go to bed, with a book, and read until I fell asleep. I remember my mom or dad checking on me before they went to bed, feeling them slide my glasses off my face (yep, with rhinestones, even!) and turn off my light. They'd rescue my book and try to save my page, if they could, but I have a habit of dropping my book and losing my page.
I still go to bed the same way, with a book. Lately, it seems I just get through a few words before I start drifting off, or reading the same paragraph over and over again, because I just want to finish this page before I go to bed.
These days, no one turns off my light. On a few occasions, my son has turned off my light when we wakes at 6 am to play on the computer before school. He's sweet when he does this; turning off my light, pulling up my blanket to my shoulder, and giving me a kiss on my cheek before he closes my door to let me sleep another hour in peace.
Even though I love sleep, I hate not sleeping. Last night was another of those nights. I had weird dreams,too, which added to the restlessness. I'm in an online program and I kept having "pop up" messages in my dreams about things I've missed in my never-ending set of deadlines, or I'd have "pop up" posts from a student disagreeing with the last set of points I tried very hard to support with references. I also had imaginary IM messages from friends, telling me various things; some of which I wanted to hear, but mostly things that made me feel stupid and embarrassed. Where is all this coming from? Logically, I know that our dreams are our subconscious mind releasing its own thoughts and concerns. I never really worried about not being a good student, though. I've finished 25% of my program with a 4.0 GPA. I have, however, been contemplating not finishing my classes back to back. Full time post-graduate program and mostly full-time work is hard. With a family and a pending divorce (note to self, find all my paperwork and then make that appointment with Mr Bunn),the time commitement feels ever-present, without a light yet, at the end of that tunnel.
I can do this. I know I can. I just need to have good nights' sleeps, without waking every half hour to look at the clock and without pop up messages interrupting my dreams, adding to the sense of real life that already feels pervasive. I need my rest, damnnit! and I want it to be fantasy in my dreams.