The week of living dangerously

It's 3am. I should be sleeping, but the events of tomorrow are weighing on me. Since Sunday, the week has been worse.
Sunday night to Monday mom has fallen again. Her legs are shaky now. At 2am Lynn hears her yelling for help. She gets back in bed with Lynn's help. Lynn is exhausted and beyond her wits end. We've had a few family calls about how to proceed. We must do something. I'm going to talk with her doctor on Monday and seek out options. I also have emailed the city's elder services programs.

Monday morning 12/16: I have a work call at 8:30, mom knows this. I go to set up a new video/audio monitor just before 10 with Jon, as he's arrived home for the holiday break. Mom's worried about privacy, as the commode is now right by her bed, but I assure her she has some privacy.  White lie. After that's set up, I help her to use the commode, but she can't get up, even with me helping. I ask Morgan to get a bedpan from the medical supply store and he does. Mom has food and drink available. She looks much worse. She says she can wait a bit to pee, so she agrees I can go home and work some, but I'll come over as soon as I have the bedpan. I'm with her for about half an hour. I let her know I've called her doctor. She's clear she doesn't want to go to the hospital.
Shortly before 11, she calls to me, "call 911". The new monitor allows me to talk back to her. I ask her what's wrong. She feels like she's dying. I verify she does want to go to the hospital. She yells at me, "just call 911", which I'm doing while I'm talking to her. I head over to her house with Jon, so he can take Brodie to my house. I sit with mom. She starts talking about a quiet death at home, but she doesn't finish her thought. She's so weak, it's hard to talk. She talks about being too weak to make it to Dr Ross"s office. I just sit with her.
The team arrives quickly. Med lists and her history is relayed. She's taken with all her bedding away to Alta Bates.  I wonder if she will ever come home.
Knowing she'll ask for them, I get her teeth stuff, her neck pillow, her glasses. I pack up my work stuff, as I know it will be another long day in the ED. I send an email to co-workers, and then I steel myself to call Lynn.
We are both relieved she's out of the house. Some family members feel Mom's demands to be cared for at home are abusive of me and Lynn. We just know it's beyond what we can do and have any semblance of a life or freedom away from her. It's moms worst nightmare.
When I arrive in the Ed less than an hour after she left, I find her crying. She doesn't want to be a burden. I let her know we will figure it out. That we want her to get better, so she's safe at home, but she's not safe by any means.
The ED is busy. Seven ambulances are queued up outside. The waiting room is packed. I am allowed to see mom.  It's a small room. I sit by the sink, out of the way. The doctor sees her before too long. Nurses try for IVs and fail. They can't draw her blood, either. Finally an IV is started. A liter of fluid is given. Mom's cold. The room heat is on. It's a long wait. The doctor does an arterial stick for blood. Her potassium is critically low. That's probably why her legs were shaky. I sit and wait, trying to work some, to keep a semblance of normalcy and to keep my mind off what's to come.
Around 8, I see the hospitalist. Mom will be admitted. She's considered failure to thrive.  I leave when Lynn arrives. She's exhausted. I can see it in her face. I ask her to walk out with me to let her know I've told the doctor we can't care for her at home anymore. I finally get to have a meal at home with my family.
Tuesday:  I work from home again. I want to be able to leave if I have to. I want to help Lynn with Brodie. I don't want to cry at work. I call around noon, knowing that it'll take a while for am labs and ds to round. 

What a difference two weeks makes

November 27th?, I take my mom to the doctor as she's been sick with vomiting and diarrhea.  She's weak and she vomited coffee grounds material.  I'm told to take her to the ED and she will most likely be admitted, for fluids, at least.
She's kept overnight and given IV fluids. In the AM she gets an upper GI test to find the source of the bleeding.  It's an old ulcer that apparently got irritated from the vomiting.  She's released and comes home.

Week after Thanksgiving she drives Lynn to Carol's house.  There they all get gastroenteritis, hitting them all hard.  Lynn faints x 2. Dislocates her thumb.  Mom is disoriented and doesn't know where she  is. Because they are all so compromised, 911 is called. She's taken to Loma Linda in Murietta.  She stays 4 days. IV's, antibiotics, stool culture is normal.  It's called gastroenteritis.  Monday of this week, 12/9 she's discharged and Lynn drives home.  Mom's able to make it to rest stop rest rooms on her own power.  They need to stop often for her persistant diarrhea.

12/12:Thursday is her follow up visit with her doctor.  She's still weak.  No clue what's causing her illness and her decline.  It's a watch and see, with us to get to Dr her current meds, as they have recently changed.

that night, 911, mom's scared. She is in A-Fib.  She's taken to the ED.  EKG is abnormal, but not bad enough to keep her.  XRay shows some fluid on her lungs, but not bad enough to keep her.  Heart is enlarged.  She comes home around 11pm and she's able to walk from car to wheelchair on the sidewalk (about 5 ft).  She's feeling better, so she says she's fine and will sleep all night.

Friday: She's found by Lynn on the ground, cold and wet.  She got up during the night and used the old TV table to help support her as she was getting "something".  The table collapsed and she fell.  She couldn't get up.  Lynn got her back to bed (in the family room) shivering. She has an electric blanket to help keep her warm.
Later that morning, since I'm working from home, Morgan helps me set up FaceTime, so I can watch her remotely.  She's on the ground again.  I get her to bed.  I let her know I'd rather help her than have to get her up off the ground, especially since she's sore and less functioning after she falls.

Saturday: She seems better, somewhat.  She's made it to the commode 4 times, per her report.  She falls that afternoon, getting back to bed. I see it on FaceTime, so I help her.  I let her know it's important to FEEL the bed behind her before she drops down.  She's not controlling her descents, and just flops down.   I help her bathe with a tub bath.  She seems to be mentally with it and is adamant that she doesn't want to go to a nursing home.  She's able to remember phone number, addresses, and seems cogent

Sunday 12/15: She's thinking she went to the Albany pool.  She wanted to work out some to get stronger and get out of bed.  She has a whole story that she went to the pool but needed to call a cab to get home.  She wanted to fix the car, too, as it was jerky, but didn't know the make or model.  She relates to going to her eye doctor, but they were closed, to another dr's office (I don't recognize the name) and to the "good doctor", Dr Ross.  She's able to rattle off the doctor's names and addresses and phone numbers.  I know these are from memory as she can't see well enough to look them up recently.  Lynn and I let her know that it's not possible she was out of the house, but she is angry, "I'M NOT SENILE".  We let her know we don't think that, but we also know she didn't leave the house.  We suggest it was a vivid dream or a seizure.
I start looking up info on elder abuse and adult day care options.  Is it abuse to follow her directions and keep her at home, not to worry about her. If she falls, she falls and so be it.  She doesn't want to be a burden, but Lynn is crying almost daily from the struggles of managing her care.  

How long has it been?

Almost a year since I last posted? Can that be true?  Where did the time go?
It went into lots of overtime, getting this enormous project completed. 
It went to miles driven.
To take out food for dinner.
 It went to general survival and time with the friends I needed to see.
 It went to working inside my old facility when my former colleagues were on strike.  How horrible that was. 7 strait days of 12 hour shifts.
It went to supporting Morgan, who has been out of  work for 6 months.  He has an interview on Tuesday, so I'm wishing him well with that.
It went to quick reads about sewing, rather than doing the projects.  That needs to change.  I need to work on some of my own projects.
It went to a year of never getting sick!  That's a first.  Maybe my lungs can heal.
It's going to see my dad this summer.
It went to helping Lynn with Bear's death.  Sometimes you just gotta miss work, ya know, even if the work is piling up around you.

And I thought childbirth was hard

Dropping off a student at college is crazy hard.
Hard, as in the hardest thing I've done. Sad knowing that I will not be witness to the growth that will be made over the next few years. Knowing that his contact with me will be because he wants money and not because he wants mom..
Hard, in that he can tell his girlfriend of 2 months that he loves her and yet I've never heard these words from him.
Damn, it's difficult to say goodbye to someone who is so loved.

What a difference!
The male I dated a few years ago, who is now married after dumping me via text, is so night and day different from the man I am currently dating. TS used to complain how women only wanted him to help pay the bills.  He'd complain that women wanted a paycheck to help pay the college bills and that women always expected men to pay.  As such, I found myself trying to prove him wrong.  I'd pay for things more often than necessary. I was generous with gifts.  I bought him a washer and drier for his new house. I also had to ask him for a thank you, as he didn't offer one on his own.

Fast forward a few years.  I am dating a man who wants to be with me. He wants to help me around the house, as he sees how hard I work around the clock.  He wants to help me in every way possible.  When I told him my son has chosen the University he is attending next school year as a freshman, he even said he was looking forward to helping me pay for my son's education.  Holy Crap! Is my guy for real? Does he WANT to help me pay for college?  I never asked him to do this and it's just blown me away.

Sure, I know I shouldn't compare apples to oranges, but the difference is just so darn huge.  I wanted to say how much I appreciate my new guy and the things he freely is giving to me, without me having to prove myself or my motives.  And without asking.  He's amazing.

Men are Pigs

Written towards the end of my month of flights.

I’ve been on 16 flights over the last 3 weeks.  I’ve noticed I don’t mind sitting next to a female stranger, but male strangers definitely make sharing space harder.  Why?

• Men sit with their legs spread; pretty much taking up as much room as they can.  Personally, I do not like my own legs to be pressed together, being forced to have a stranger’s leg pressed against my own, with him in MY SPACE
• Men believe they own the arm rest.  Again, I don’t want some stranger’s sweaty arm resting along mine for an entire flight.

Yes, I know most men are physically larger than most women, but I have shared my arm rest with some pretty large women and I have never had a large woman rest her arm or leg against mine for an entire trip.  Men, wise up.  You are sharing very tight quarters in modern airplanes. Don’t take up more than your share!

August Musings

I forgot to post THIS writing, done in August:

What was Switzerland like?

I absolutely loved the chalet in which we stayed, I loved the countryside, too.  The food was quite excellent, indeed.  I enjoyed spending time with my father, my kids, and my boyfriend.  What I did not like about it was:

• Bug bites.  Lots of mosquitos. Lots of biting flies.  Lots of wasps.  Only 2 of the 3 bit me, but I happen to have developed an allergy to one of them. Yuck.
• Getting bats shooed out of the house.  We did learn to turn off indoor lights if we were sitting outdoors at twilight. We also learned to close our bedroom windows when it turned to dusk
• Being with people, even beloved family, 24/7.  Yes, showering with a boyfriend is fun, but really, that is (sometimes) my ONLY chance to be alone.  Once, I wanted to take a walk to find some quiet time to let my thoughts wander, and I got company on the walk.  I do love my family very much, but in order to feel settled and comfortable, I need some alone time, too.  Don’t get that on family vacation
• Prices.  When I was a little girl, the exchange rate was 4 SFr to the dollar.  When I was there about 5 years ago, it was 2 SFr to the dollar.  This trip, the dollar dropped to below the SFr.  It was expensive here 5 years ago. Now it’s doubly so!
• Learning to get everything one needs before Sunday.  The small towns shut down on Sunday, thus no groceries or other shopping for necessities.  This isn’t so bad, but it’s a tad difficult for a 24 hr grocery shopper to remember.

So, how was Morgan? Quick Answer: Nothing to complain about.