Age has its benefits

I know I'm stubborn. This has been a trait of mine since I was a baby. Mom tells the story of how I learned how to walk at 9 months of age because I was so stubborn and determined. She'd put me in one of those walkers, but the width of the contraption frustrated me and hindered my free reign in my grandparents' house, so I simply picked up the walker and walked with it held off the ground, with me still in the middle.

Being stubborn couples with having a real hard time admitting I'm wrong and apologizing. Sure, if I bump someone on the sidewalk, an "Excuse me" flows pretty freely from my lips. I'm talking about the I-did-something-stupid-to-a-friend- kinda apology that has been difficult for me to 1) recognize and 2) apologize for. Maybe this is because a few of my friends are so quick to point out my faults, that apologizing for my blunders feels as if my nose is being rubbed in it. Regardless, I had a lightbulb moment the other day. I was moody at the time, but was with a friend. I went off and did my own thing for a short while, leaving my friend alone when he wanted the company. I woke up the next morning with a flash of understanding. I've been in that situation before, and I had been angered and hurt by it in the past. An apology in that situation was easy and it was very much desired to be given.

Not sure what it is about getting older that allows one to soften and mellow. I *wanted* to apologize. This friend means so much to me that there was no way I could not acknowledge my blunder. I wanted to let him know that I understood how rude I had been. This is one time I'm grateful for this aging process, as it is making me a better person.

Troubles with mom

Lets just put this in a nutshell:
A fall down the stairs; 911 called. 8 hrs in the emergency department. Atrial Flutter.
Appointments during the week with 3 different doctors. Lab tests. General anesthesia and cardioversion.
More falls at home. Mixing up words. Drop in hemoglobin level. Another trip to the doctor --> ER. In ER from 1600-03:30. Admitted to the hospital. CT scan (again) of her head. Abdominal ultrasound. 3 cysts/masses found. CT of abdomen and ultrasound of pelvis. Kidney mass --> thought to be benign. Ovarian mass --> thought to be benign. Lung Mass --> uh oh. Former 4 pack per day smoker. Started when she was 16 until she was 58. 160 pack years. Very high risk.
Lung biopsy. Pneumothorax (collapsed lung). Oxygen via cannula overnight. X-ray in am. Improved. Physical therapy --> walker and commode chair. Home again on a Thursday. 6 days in hospital. Somewhere in all this, waking in the middle of the night, not knowing who she was, where she was, why she was where she was. Call at home at 4:30 am. First set of real sobbing cries. Next 3 nights sleeping at the hospital and staying with her 20 out of 24 hours.

Now I know how little sleep hospitalized patients get. Home. Fell asleep while reading the same paragraph about 10 times and finally woke about 9 1/2 hrs later. Today we should get the biopsy results.

Awaiting biopsy results still.

Overwhelmed

Not sure how else to explain it.. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Mom fell down a flight of stairs last weekend. Spent 8 hrs in the emergency department. I spent 8 hrs with here there, too. On first glance, mom's okay, but she's not. Not really. Her heart went back into an atrial flutter. Her cardiologist (in one of the 3 medical appointments I took her to this week) tried to eliminate it by using her pacemaker, but the flutter is a persistent little bugger. Earlier in the month her physician changed her medication, as the flutter was present then, too. Given that she's fallen more (4 times this week alone), she needs to change something in her life and soon.

She won't move downstairs.. yet.
She's having an external cardioversion on Tuesday. Ann, my work partner, is picking up that day of work for me. This helps her out, too, as she needs the hours of work.
She needs to decide on whether or not to continue with plans for her knee replacement. She's not walking much these days due to her back pain, and her back doctor can't fix that.
I want her to see a pain specialist. We'll see if we can't get that done this week.
She's mixing up her medications, too. I'm concerned she's overdosing on some things and underdosing on others. Lynn is going to help her with her medications.

Most of all, I can't complain. Especially not to mom. She's been feeling like a burden to me and Lynn. She's been crying. She's been having nightmares about her own mother, too. I'm not sure I can do this.. juggling school and work and home and the remodelling. Thankfully the divorce paperwork is done and filed. January 17th is the day I am single again. I'm pondering all this stuff about mom and what I need to get done (Like pay July bills, and its August 2nd already!), but I have a school paper due tomorrow and a PPC meeting from 3:30-7pm, and my son's 13th birthday, and a pesto lasagana we wants me to cook for him, and mom's 8:30 am pre-procedure tests and 8 hrs of work. Oh, and a hair coloring. I need that tomorrow like I need a hole in my head, but when else can I get it done?

I'm stressed and can't concentrate. I figure if I blab all this out now, in print, I can shove it out of my brain for a few hours and get to work on the paper. I got the Costco run done. Kids have school supplies, Ben has his favorite chocolate cake, and I have my beer. Life is good for the next few hours.

I'm stupid and an idiot.

You'd think after almost 50 years, I'd be more intuitive and insightful. Nope. I still have to be hit over the head with things to notice them, or appreciate them.

Case in point, I now realize that T was wanting company, MY company, when going to a double feature drive in. I read the comment as him wanting a date, just someone, and specifically NOT me, to accompany him. Naturally, I felt rejected. I totally misunderstood what he was saying. I'm an idiot. I have a tendancy to not feel wanted. It's crummy and I need to work on that, but there you go. It's part of my baggage. How come *this* baggage isn't so easily lost at the airport?

That said, there is no one I'd rather go see a double feature with than T.

Owie

2009 July

Yep. That's my thumb, missing the tip. At first I thought I just cut my thumb, but I took off the entire tip. Thankfully, it's not deep, but it sure stung like a m-f and it bled. After 90 min and it was still bleeding, T took me to the urgent care center.

I have to say, the urgent care center was great. Before I finished registering a person was waiting to take me to an exam room. As soon as I was weighed and "vitalized" she had me soaking my finger in a cleaning solutions. As T said, "you know they are going to make you cry again?" It did bring tears to my eyes. A few more minutes and a doctor examined my finger, which was now not bleeding so much. A few more minutes and I had gelfoam and a compression dressing on the finger and I was done. I'm curious what this event will cost me, but it was worth it. I do feel badly that T lost an afternoon's worth of work due to this, though.

BTW, it's healing well. About half closed at 10 days.
Yep

Gotta do it

Almost a month since my last writing. I figured I needed to post SOMETHING or I'd get too far out of the habit. Let's see. Another course down, 7 to go. I'm officially at the half way point! Carrie took off on a week cruise to Alaska. I'm jealous. I've always wanted to do that. See the glaciers before they are gone, watch orcas and see the totem poles scattered around the northwest. I'll make sure that's on my bucket list. I'm proud of Tommy. He found a house and is purchasing it. I know it must have caused him a few grey hairs, but he's not grey at all yet, so he'll manage. I'm sick. Tired of coughing myself silly. I'll be over it soon, though, I know it. Kids are out of school. My nephew graduated from high school, too. Mom's having knee replacement surgery August 31, so I have a slew of appointments to take her to. It's okay. It's my payback for her driving me to swim practice every day.

Wait staff

I enjoy dining out. I especially enjoy dining out where the waitstaff is on top of things. No need to request more water, it just magically appears. Butter dishes are refilled when needed. Coffee is refreshed just as the cup is cooling too much. Orders are taken when one is ready to dine.

Why is it that some waitstaff "get it" and others don't. Tonight I was served by one who didn't get it. We had to ask to order our food. We had to ask for another round of drinks. After we ate our savory dishes, we had to ask in order to order a sweet (which wasn't very sweet, but we dined at a tapas place. Goat cheese in the center of the dish, slices of poached pear around the cheese, with honey and almonds sprinkled around. It was just enough sweet to satisfy and, shared, wasn't too filling). We also had to ask to order an Irish coffee after the meal. Just the week before Carrie and I dined at the same restaurant, with a different waiter. Our former waiter got us drinks right away. He suggested items on the menu, when asked to give an opinion. He checked in with us, and was prompt and chatty. Is it the number of tables the wait staff have to cover? I don't think so. This is a cozy place and both waiters work at the same restaurant, covering what appeared to be the same number of tables. Time of day? General attitude? A job vs a career?

Whatever the reason for the difference, the tip did differ. Markedly. 12% vs 20%. I wish more waitstaff were better at their jobs. In Europe there is a huge difference in the restaurant quality. Waitstaff don't just pick up a job while in school. Waitstaff are apprentised. The waiters and waitresses work with a host and learn how to set a table, what utensiles are appropriate for which dish, how to serve wine properly and how to know the difference between a water goblet, a red wine glass and a white wine glass. How to pick up plates unobtrusively, and without having the guest pass plates for clearing. Staff are taught how to sell/suggest items to make a meal more enjoyable (and profitable for the premises), and staff apologize when some kitchen issue delays a meal.

I distinctly remember a wonderful place in Switzerland where I dined in utter comfort. Our waitress was the wife of the cook, and it was their restaurant. They lived above their place, with 4 children. I ordered a wonderful seafood risotto. Jon ordered a Thai chicken meal. I don't remember what Dad ordered. Ben couldn't order. Nothing sounded good to him. This didn't phase the hostess. She has her own children. Seeing him stymied, she offered chicken nuggets and fries to him. He was delighted! Of course this wasn't on the menu, but she knew what her own children fancied, and she wanted all her guest to enjoy the meal. Not only was this meal one of the best I've ever tasted, but it was delightful in the service.