I realize that I have many people in my life who love me and give me the support and strength I need from them. I thank Rock Diva for reminding me of this. Of the endless love I receive from my children. Of the hugs Ben has given me, saying "Mommy, you look so sad". Of the love my father gives me over half the world away, telling me he wants to hear the sadness gone from my voice. Of the small touches of love and gratitude from my patients and their families. Of Carrie and Brenda, who have brought tears to my eyes with their kindness and words of support and of their words of dismay at how T can't see the love that I give so freely and openly and how that cannot be enough. I thank the loving people in my life for reminding me that life is worth feeling. Even these miserable days when I want to stop feeling.
One of the things I often heard growing up is that I am too sensitive; that things of an emotional nature hit me harder than with others. Perhaps this is true, as I've seen people shrug off these challenges with barely a blink of the eye. I've lost sleep. I dont' feel like eating. I cry at the drop of a hat. I've just finished reading "A Thousand Splendid Suns" and marvel at how humans can endure life, and yet find such satisfaction in the end. That is all I want, to be satisfied, with my life, with my children, and with the choices I've made in my life. I'm told I will find this, in time.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
more on love
Yeah, I've been thinking about this a lot. No, I don't want things to be forced in love, and yet when I think about life in general, how many things must we force every day? Currently, I hate my job. I love what I do, but I hate doing it. Too many people not getting the work they need, so many little fights about what can be said, by whom, and when, and always tired. Juggling being a mom, work, and school is tough. Far tougher than I ever imagined, but I will persevere. I want my kids to know hard work is worth it and that it is possible to succeed in multiple responsibilities at one time. I force myself to do my reading and writing for school, putting off simple pleasures to get that chore done. I force myself to go to the gym because I want to be proud of who I see in the mirror. These are all worth-while things to force.
It's my opinion that sometimes the things we force are worth it, because in the end, we gain so much from doing them. We learn new appreciation for things when we need to work for them. In love, there will inevitably be dead spots. We can't possibly be "on" all the time. One has to evaluate whether or not the relationship is worth the effort to get through the dull spots. I know damn well I'm worth working through a dull spot or two. I'm a smart, sexy, loyal, and honest woman who isn't afraid of a bit of hard work. It's sad to think that isn't "all that".
It's my opinion that sometimes the things we force are worth it, because in the end, we gain so much from doing them. We learn new appreciation for things when we need to work for them. In love, there will inevitably be dead spots. We can't possibly be "on" all the time. One has to evaluate whether or not the relationship is worth the effort to get through the dull spots. I know damn well I'm worth working through a dull spot or two. I'm a smart, sexy, loyal, and honest woman who isn't afraid of a bit of hard work. It's sad to think that isn't "all that".
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Love, When it that enough?
Life is complex and complicated. I surely don't understand many facets of it. I recently was told by my boyfriend that he has a crush on another girl. I've also been told that he's been forcing things with me and just doesn't feel "all that".
He says that we get along very well on some levels but he's not really feeling it on other levels.
I think that is bullshit.
I know how things are when they are bad. This relationship is far from bad. It has been pretty good, Pretty damn good, if you ask me. Sure, I'm not perfect, but neither is he. Lord knows he has his faults, too. Humans come with imperfections, which is part of what makes us interesting. What I don't understand is how I can be in a relationship and feel that its one way, but that he doesn't share that feeling? How can I be so mistaken about my love?
Sure, new crushes are exciting and make hormones race. Crushes are not love, nor can they last. I've known this guy for over three years, and I had been getting in it deeper over time. He says he's been withdrawing lately. I don't know if he's been withdrawing in order to devote more time to this crush, or that the withdrawing came first. I'm not sure I'll ever know. I also know that over my 16 year marriage, I have had my share of crushes. Meeting new people is exciting and feeling attractive to another person certainly has its appeal. Despite these crushes, I never cheated on my marriage. Not while I was with my husband. Once I had made the decision to leave the marriage, then certainly I left it in all sense of the word. Making a commitment to a person means sucking it up. It means having the crushes, but being man (or woman) enough not to act upon them. Regardless of the length of a relationship, they will continue to appear and the devoted lover chooses, again and again, to quelsh them.
This totally sucks. TOTALLY. I've lost this bit of comfort in my life that has certainly helped keep me sane. I'm living this life that I'm only enduring because I know it will get better. I feel like I'm endlessly waiting for the damn construction to begin, and it keeps getting postponed. I want to not have to interact with my ex on a daily basis. Being able to visit my boyfriend was an oasis in all this chaos. I feel I've lost my little island sanity and comfort. I don't even know what will happen over time. I just know I'm seriously hurting now.
He says that we get along very well on some levels but he's not really feeling it on other levels.
I think that is bullshit.
I know how things are when they are bad. This relationship is far from bad. It has been pretty good, Pretty damn good, if you ask me. Sure, I'm not perfect, but neither is he. Lord knows he has his faults, too. Humans come with imperfections, which is part of what makes us interesting. What I don't understand is how I can be in a relationship and feel that its one way, but that he doesn't share that feeling? How can I be so mistaken about my love?
Sure, new crushes are exciting and make hormones race. Crushes are not love, nor can they last. I've known this guy for over three years, and I had been getting in it deeper over time. He says he's been withdrawing lately. I don't know if he's been withdrawing in order to devote more time to this crush, or that the withdrawing came first. I'm not sure I'll ever know. I also know that over my 16 year marriage, I have had my share of crushes. Meeting new people is exciting and feeling attractive to another person certainly has its appeal. Despite these crushes, I never cheated on my marriage. Not while I was with my husband. Once I had made the decision to leave the marriage, then certainly I left it in all sense of the word. Making a commitment to a person means sucking it up. It means having the crushes, but being man (or woman) enough not to act upon them. Regardless of the length of a relationship, they will continue to appear and the devoted lover chooses, again and again, to quelsh them.
This totally sucks. TOTALLY. I've lost this bit of comfort in my life that has certainly helped keep me sane. I'm living this life that I'm only enduring because I know it will get better. I feel like I'm endlessly waiting for the damn construction to begin, and it keeps getting postponed. I want to not have to interact with my ex on a daily basis. Being able to visit my boyfriend was an oasis in all this chaos. I feel I've lost my little island sanity and comfort. I don't even know what will happen over time. I just know I'm seriously hurting now.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Nurses
http://www.calnurses.org/legislative_advocacy/national-nursing-shortage.html
I attended a nursing conference the last few days in San Francisco. Things that I have come to expect of an employer, any employer, such as being able to take a break every 4 hours, being able to eat a meal during an 8 to 12 to 16 hour shift, and being able to do the work assigned to me, isn't happening for many nurses. I learned of nurses in "right to work" states being assigned 12-15 patients on a medical-surgical floor. On an 8 hour shift, that only gives a nurse 45 minutes with each patient; for her assessment and reassessment of pain, to administer medications, to maintain and change IVs, to teach, to console, to heal. She doesn't have the time to attend to each person individually, nor can she engage herself with the families of these patients. Given time, education can happen with the families of those in the hospital to help prevent similar health conditions from occurring given education. If I were in hospital, I'd sure want to know that my nurse had more than 2 hours and 25 minutes allotted to me every 24 hours - ESPECIALLY when I (or my insurance company) is paying significant funds for the priviledge for being in a hospital for nursing care!
More than ever, as I learn that the average hospital CEO salary is 8 million dollars a year, do I realize that nurses have a RIGHT, as do their patients, to have nursing ratios, to have safe staffing bills, and to have adequate compensation for the work that is being done. How is it that firefighters and police officers can retire after 20 years of service with adequate compensation and health benefits, when nurses must work until government retirement age of 65-67 in order to receive garanteed pension in the name of social security and medicare?
Please consider supporting S 1031 which would provide staffing ratios for all nurses across the country. This garantees that your loved ones will have a nurse available when your family member is in the hospital; a nurse whose soul aim is to provide safe, effective, and theraputic, regardless of the aim of the insurance carrier for that patient.
I attended a nursing conference the last few days in San Francisco. Things that I have come to expect of an employer, any employer, such as being able to take a break every 4 hours, being able to eat a meal during an 8 to 12 to 16 hour shift, and being able to do the work assigned to me, isn't happening for many nurses. I learned of nurses in "right to work" states being assigned 12-15 patients on a medical-surgical floor. On an 8 hour shift, that only gives a nurse 45 minutes with each patient; for her assessment and reassessment of pain, to administer medications, to maintain and change IVs, to teach, to console, to heal. She doesn't have the time to attend to each person individually, nor can she engage herself with the families of these patients. Given time, education can happen with the families of those in the hospital to help prevent similar health conditions from occurring given education. If I were in hospital, I'd sure want to know that my nurse had more than 2 hours and 25 minutes allotted to me every 24 hours - ESPECIALLY when I (or my insurance company) is paying significant funds for the priviledge for being in a hospital for nursing care!
More than ever, as I learn that the average hospital CEO salary is 8 million dollars a year, do I realize that nurses have a RIGHT, as do their patients, to have nursing ratios, to have safe staffing bills, and to have adequate compensation for the work that is being done. How is it that firefighters and police officers can retire after 20 years of service with adequate compensation and health benefits, when nurses must work until government retirement age of 65-67 in order to receive garanteed pension in the name of social security and medicare?
Please consider supporting S 1031 which would provide staffing ratios for all nurses across the country. This garantees that your loved ones will have a nurse available when your family member is in the hospital; a nurse whose soul aim is to provide safe, effective, and theraputic, regardless of the aim of the insurance carrier for that patient.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Age has its benefits
I know I'm stubborn. This has been a trait of mine since I was a baby. Mom tells the story of how I learned how to walk at 9 months of age because I was so stubborn and determined. She'd put me in one of those walkers, but the width of the contraption frustrated me and hindered my free reign in my grandparents' house, so I simply picked up the walker and walked with it held off the ground, with me still in the middle.
Being stubborn couples with having a real hard time admitting I'm wrong and apologizing. Sure, if I bump someone on the sidewalk, an "Excuse me" flows pretty freely from my lips. I'm talking about the I-did-something-stupid-to-a-friend- kinda apology that has been difficult for me to 1) recognize and 2) apologize for. Maybe this is because a few of my friends are so quick to point out my faults, that apologizing for my blunders feels as if my nose is being rubbed in it. Regardless, I had a lightbulb moment the other day. I was moody at the time, but was with a friend. I went off and did my own thing for a short while, leaving my friend alone when he wanted the company. I woke up the next morning with a flash of understanding. I've been in that situation before, and I had been angered and hurt by it in the past. An apology in that situation was easy and it was very much desired to be given.
Not sure what it is about getting older that allows one to soften and mellow. I *wanted* to apologize. This friend means so much to me that there was no way I could not acknowledge my blunder. I wanted to let him know that I understood how rude I had been. This is one time I'm grateful for this aging process, as it is making me a better person.
Being stubborn couples with having a real hard time admitting I'm wrong and apologizing. Sure, if I bump someone on the sidewalk, an "Excuse me" flows pretty freely from my lips. I'm talking about the I-did-something-stupid-to-a-friend- kinda apology that has been difficult for me to 1) recognize and 2) apologize for. Maybe this is because a few of my friends are so quick to point out my faults, that apologizing for my blunders feels as if my nose is being rubbed in it. Regardless, I had a lightbulb moment the other day. I was moody at the time, but was with a friend. I went off and did my own thing for a short while, leaving my friend alone when he wanted the company. I woke up the next morning with a flash of understanding. I've been in that situation before, and I had been angered and hurt by it in the past. An apology in that situation was easy and it was very much desired to be given.
Not sure what it is about getting older that allows one to soften and mellow. I *wanted* to apologize. This friend means so much to me that there was no way I could not acknowledge my blunder. I wanted to let him know that I understood how rude I had been. This is one time I'm grateful for this aging process, as it is making me a better person.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Troubles with mom
Lets just put this in a nutshell:
A fall down the stairs; 911 called. 8 hrs in the emergency department. Atrial Flutter.
Appointments during the week with 3 different doctors. Lab tests. General anesthesia and cardioversion.
More falls at home. Mixing up words. Drop in hemoglobin level. Another trip to the doctor --> ER. In ER from 1600-03:30. Admitted to the hospital. CT scan (again) of her head. Abdominal ultrasound. 3 cysts/masses found. CT of abdomen and ultrasound of pelvis. Kidney mass --> thought to be benign. Ovarian mass --> thought to be benign. Lung Mass --> uh oh. Former 4 pack per day smoker. Started when she was 16 until she was 58. 160 pack years. Very high risk.
Lung biopsy. Pneumothorax (collapsed lung). Oxygen via cannula overnight. X-ray in am. Improved. Physical therapy --> walker and commode chair. Home again on a Thursday. 6 days in hospital. Somewhere in all this, waking in the middle of the night, not knowing who she was, where she was, why she was where she was. Call at home at 4:30 am. First set of real sobbing cries. Next 3 nights sleeping at the hospital and staying with her 20 out of 24 hours.
Now I know how little sleep hospitalized patients get. Home. Fell asleep while reading the same paragraph about 10 times and finally woke about 9 1/2 hrs later. Today we should get the biopsy results.
Awaiting biopsy results still.
A fall down the stairs; 911 called. 8 hrs in the emergency department. Atrial Flutter.
Appointments during the week with 3 different doctors. Lab tests. General anesthesia and cardioversion.
More falls at home. Mixing up words. Drop in hemoglobin level. Another trip to the doctor --> ER. In ER from 1600-03:30. Admitted to the hospital. CT scan (again) of her head. Abdominal ultrasound. 3 cysts/masses found. CT of abdomen and ultrasound of pelvis. Kidney mass --> thought to be benign. Ovarian mass --> thought to be benign. Lung Mass --> uh oh. Former 4 pack per day smoker. Started when she was 16 until she was 58. 160 pack years. Very high risk.
Lung biopsy. Pneumothorax (collapsed lung). Oxygen via cannula overnight. X-ray in am. Improved. Physical therapy --> walker and commode chair. Home again on a Thursday. 6 days in hospital. Somewhere in all this, waking in the middle of the night, not knowing who she was, where she was, why she was where she was. Call at home at 4:30 am. First set of real sobbing cries. Next 3 nights sleeping at the hospital and staying with her 20 out of 24 hours.
Now I know how little sleep hospitalized patients get. Home. Fell asleep while reading the same paragraph about 10 times and finally woke about 9 1/2 hrs later. Today we should get the biopsy results.
Awaiting biopsy results still.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Overwhelmed
Not sure how else to explain it.. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Mom fell down a flight of stairs last weekend. Spent 8 hrs in the emergency department. I spent 8 hrs with here there, too. On first glance, mom's okay, but she's not. Not really. Her heart went back into an atrial flutter. Her cardiologist (in one of the 3 medical appointments I took her to this week) tried to eliminate it by using her pacemaker, but the flutter is a persistent little bugger. Earlier in the month her physician changed her medication, as the flutter was present then, too. Given that she's fallen more (4 times this week alone), she needs to change something in her life and soon.
She won't move downstairs.. yet.
She's having an external cardioversion on Tuesday. Ann, my work partner, is picking up that day of work for me. This helps her out, too, as she needs the hours of work.
She needs to decide on whether or not to continue with plans for her knee replacement. She's not walking much these days due to her back pain, and her back doctor can't fix that.
I want her to see a pain specialist. We'll see if we can't get that done this week.
She's mixing up her medications, too. I'm concerned she's overdosing on some things and underdosing on others. Lynn is going to help her with her medications.
Most of all, I can't complain. Especially not to mom. She's been feeling like a burden to me and Lynn. She's been crying. She's been having nightmares about her own mother, too. I'm not sure I can do this.. juggling school and work and home and the remodelling. Thankfully the divorce paperwork is done and filed. January 17th is the day I am single again. I'm pondering all this stuff about mom and what I need to get done (Like pay July bills, and its August 2nd already!), but I have a school paper due tomorrow and a PPC meeting from 3:30-7pm, and my son's 13th birthday, and a pesto lasagana we wants me to cook for him, and mom's 8:30 am pre-procedure tests and 8 hrs of work. Oh, and a hair coloring. I need that tomorrow like I need a hole in my head, but when else can I get it done?
I'm stressed and can't concentrate. I figure if I blab all this out now, in print, I can shove it out of my brain for a few hours and get to work on the paper. I got the Costco run done. Kids have school supplies, Ben has his favorite chocolate cake, and I have my beer. Life is good for the next few hours.
She won't move downstairs.. yet.
She's having an external cardioversion on Tuesday. Ann, my work partner, is picking up that day of work for me. This helps her out, too, as she needs the hours of work.
She needs to decide on whether or not to continue with plans for her knee replacement. She's not walking much these days due to her back pain, and her back doctor can't fix that.
I want her to see a pain specialist. We'll see if we can't get that done this week.
She's mixing up her medications, too. I'm concerned she's overdosing on some things and underdosing on others. Lynn is going to help her with her medications.
Most of all, I can't complain. Especially not to mom. She's been feeling like a burden to me and Lynn. She's been crying. She's been having nightmares about her own mother, too. I'm not sure I can do this.. juggling school and work and home and the remodelling. Thankfully the divorce paperwork is done and filed. January 17th is the day I am single again. I'm pondering all this stuff about mom and what I need to get done (Like pay July bills, and its August 2nd already!), but I have a school paper due tomorrow and a PPC meeting from 3:30-7pm, and my son's 13th birthday, and a pesto lasagana we wants me to cook for him, and mom's 8:30 am pre-procedure tests and 8 hrs of work. Oh, and a hair coloring. I need that tomorrow like I need a hole in my head, but when else can I get it done?
I'm stressed and can't concentrate. I figure if I blab all this out now, in print, I can shove it out of my brain for a few hours and get to work on the paper. I got the Costco run done. Kids have school supplies, Ben has his favorite chocolate cake, and I have my beer. Life is good for the next few hours.
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