January 17th, 2010

As of this date I will be divorced. I just got notice from the court that my divorce petition has been accepted by the court and has been entered as a decree, with the date of finalization of January 17th. I don't know whether to be happy or sad.  I think I'm a bit of both.

They say one door closes, another opens. I feel as if the door in front of me has a deadbolt on the door, and the key is hidden.

I've also been pondering the meaning of "test".  A test is to demonstrate one's ability, one's status, or one's accomplishment in an area. One passes a test and moves on to the next level, as in final exams, or swimming tests.  When one has been offered a test, is it inherent that passing assumes a movement to the next level?  I don't think it is so wrong to have that assumption.

They took our what??

I live in a neighborhood where I've been fortunate enough to return home from a day away, having left the garage door open and the house unlocked, to find nothing disturbed. No one has stolen bikes from the garage, nor cleaned out the belongings from my house.
Imaging my surprise to find that the halloween pumpkins that my kids picked out were missing
from my front porch. Someone took our pumpkins!
Note, they didn't take the cooler that was drying out from the XC meet we attended.
They didn't take my bulbs that have been sitting there for over a year. They didn't take my metal witch standing watch over the soon--to-come trick or treaters.
They took my kids' pumpkins. How sad.
Note: my kids pumpkins were orange, but I photographed these cool looking ones at the place we picked our pumpkins up from. they look snow-kissed and kinda pretty. enjoy. I think I'm going to make pumpkin bread later today.

Soulmates

Soulmates; as a kid I believed in them. I believed that people were made for each other and all one had to do was find their perfect match. You know, then life would be happily ever after.

Then I started dating. I realized that people I liked didn't like me back, or that people who liked me didn't get their affections returned.  Things seemed out of whack.  When I did meet someone and we got along, we tended to stay together for a long time, though I had my share of only-a-few-date times, too.

I started to realize that some people I knew, who were in arranged marriages, were doing rather well. Others, in marriages for love didn't always fare so well.  How could an arranged marriage be one that could find a soulmate?

I began to realize that there are things one's parents know about a child that might actually be key to making a lifetime relationship work.  A parent knows a child's moods, a child's way of understanding the world, what intrigues the child and what totally disgusts a child.  A parent would look at an arranged marriage as one that is beyond the intial chemistry, but rather one that is based on similar values and the-things-that-makes-one-tick.

I have often wondered, if my parents had to choose my mate, just who they would pick for me. Would they do a good job knowing just what I need in a partner? Part of me thinks that they would get it horribly wrong, but part of me thinks that maybe they would have done a good job. They would have taken the initial sex appeal and chemistry attraction away from the whole process and would have chosen someone who would compliment me.

Back to the idea of the one and only soulmate - no, I don't believe in that. There are over 6 billion people in the world. How could I possibly find just ONE soulmate out of all those people. Say half are female and 1/10th is gay, that still leaves 2.5 billion or so as potential soulmates, and I have to find just one? I don't think Nature is so cruel.

What's left? To find someone with whom one is compatible. A person with interests somewhat similar, but different enough to keep things interesting. Also with different interests, one doesn't end up being competitive with one's partner, which is probably a good thing, given my latent competitive nature.  Finding a person who compliments one's sense of the world, one's take on life in general. Complimentary humor also helps, as does similar needs for affection and intimacy.  Nothing could be worse than being a person who craves physicial affection and being paired with someone who hates to be touched. That would be torture.

I love the idea of a soulmate. The idea that there is one person out there who matches my needs and wants perfectly and that if we find each other, we will both be fulfilled. I've looked for 50 years and haven't come close.  Both have to find it, with each other.

This is much harder than I thought.

This is definitely much harder than I thought. I read T's blog mentioning about the guided communication process, so I know he's actively looking for someone to date - locally.  I know logic says I'm here and he's there and I know my brain says that it's totally rational to want to date someone closer to where you live.  My brain seems to not be communicating much with my heart.

So I've been trying to figure this out.  Why is my heart so "stuck" on Tom? He's not perfect. Well, no one is, but he's comfortable.  I understand his humor. I know some of the things that are important to him. I won't ever really understand everything because my experience in life doesn't match his. I can't begin  to fathom how religion and his parents' beliefs have played out in his life.  I could go on and on about him, but I won't, cause this is about me figuring things out.  So why am I stuck, especially since I don't want to be?  I care about him enough that I want him to find what he needs.  Even though I want this for him, it's so much harder than I thought it would be.

Dating Sites - It's a laugh

As several colleagues at work recently were married to their matches from Match.com, and since my friend T signed up for another dating site, I thought I'd check them out. I did a profile at eharmony and at match to just see what these services are like.

You'd think during the free period, the sites would bend over backwards to make them seem appealing.  They are not. One spends about 10 min or so filling out a questionaire. Things such as : friends describe me as _______.  When people first notice me they see  that I'm __________.  I wish more people would recognize this about me: _____________________.  One is also asked about religion (NOT!) and if one wants kids.  Another question is regarding how far a diameter in distance one wishes to seek a date. For me the answers are "No" and "30 miles".

Why the fuck am I getting matches from people in Wisconson? Why is my "perfect match" someone who writes about walking with God along His way?  What total fucking idiots!  Is there NO WAY that a match program can't identify that Wisconson (and Huntington Beach, and North Carolina...) is more than 30 miles away.  When I've written that churches are only places filled with the evils of humankind, why does the stupid match system link me to someone who needs to have God in his life? Give me a fucking break.  Maybe these sites work for people who really do want a match and who are willing to sift through all the chaff to get to the few nice grains of wheat.  I'm not there yet. Not by a longshot.

Odd that the person using the service can't rate the importance of various "must haves".  My god, even one guy's profile talked about his wanting "his guy" to be something special. I get matched with a bisexual (or gay?) person. Can't that be a selection, too??  I've got enough fucking idiots in my life, I don't need to be matched with more!  Oh, and it's not just women who read "Eat, Pray, Love"  One of my matches is currently reading that now. *rolls eyes*

Trust me, I can find idiot guys on my own easily enough. If I were to pay for a service like this, I'd want the damn service to WORK! Oh yes, and spelling does count.  Nothing worse than hearing about "anywhere matrue people hang out."  Dont "matrue" people know how to spell?  How about this description of self, "American African, American Latino, American white, Native American?"  Hmm, Every other ethnicity is capitalized but White.  Maybe that's a subtle message?  Not only is "Eat, Pray, Love" a killer, but so is "The Secret."  Doesn't anyone remember reading "the Emperor's New Clothes" when they were little?

There are so many things that are laughable.  Take this person's profile picture: http://pictures.match.com/pictures/31/80/77893180A.jpeg.  he's an okay looking guy, but why the heck put a dumpster in one's profile picture. It makes one only think the logical thought.. he's trash!  Sheesh.

This started out as a short post. Really it did. I just keep looking at my matches and the material kept coming.

The right tool for the job

My son is running cross country. The poor team doesn't have a banner, nor a shade shelter when spending all day at events.  As a decent sewer,  I decided to take matters in my own hands and create a team banner.  It took all day to trace and cut out the letters. The red background I originally purchased was too small, so I had to get a larger cut.  Everything got laid out nicely (with one small exception, which I will show in a moment), so I ironed down the letters as I used a heat and bond product that assures me I won't have to stitch down the letters.

The kids attend a meet. The banner is a huge success.  The banner gets folded up and I notice some of the letters are just starting to peel away. I guess I get to sew down the letters.

This is where it's important to have the best of tools.  I pulled out some nice, shiny thread I have had for a few years. Madeira thread. It's supposed to be good stuff. I got a selection of it when I got my sewing table.  I generally don't go for shiny, so I've saved it.  Now's the time to use it, as its what I have available.

Fill up a bobbin. No problem. Especially after I bought new bobbins, as the metal one's I had purchased previously (and despite them being advertised as Pfaff bobbins) really didn't play nicely with my machine.

I start sewing. I get through one letter, fiddling with the tension. Thread keeps breaking.  I sew down another letter and get through that, with a breakage or two. I persist. I'm stubborn that way. I get the "B-Town" sewn and I'm stopping every 30 seconds to deal with thread breakage. I can't figure out what's wrong. Is it my tension? Is something getting caught? I trouble shoot and sew some more. Still breakage. In a stroke of genius, I test the thread itself. I pull on the thread strait from the spool. Slight tug - snap. I try again.  Slight tug and snap.  SNAP! the thread is old and not good any more.

After a trip to the local fabric store (and $60 later, as I got a few other things I needed there, such as a wool batting for my latest quilt) I sew again. I'm thrifty. I keep sewing with the same bad thread in the bobbin. More snappage. I finally finish the bobbin and thread up with the entirely new spool. Not a single break!

It is always best to start with quality tools and materials. I know this!  When will I finally start practicing this?

As for the layout: My kids' father said he'd help with the layout when I was at work. I got home at midnight, just wanting to get this done, so I ironed everything out, without double checking the work. I know he's anal retentive about spacing, so I thought it was all okay. It looked okay to a bleary eyed seamstress.  It wasn't.  Not until I took this picture I thought everything was a-okay.  It was then that I re-discovered just how dyslexic he is.  I've subsequently fixed it, but there is some adhesive residue left on the banner. Anyone know how to get that off?

George Mark House

This is the first hospice for children. Through my work we have sent several children and their families to this facility for end of life care. I can't say enough good things about this facility and I ask that anyone consider making a donation to this facility in order to help it to continue to run. I just did. Via their blog, one can discover other, non-financial ways in which to help the facility (see http://www.georgemarkfund.blogspot.com/).

WARNING: Long post

I thought I'd post my paper for my Public Health Class. It's long, like 2400 words, plus references, so if you dont' feel like reading a long essay, skip down to the next one, also posted today.

Health Campaign: Access to Healthcare in Alameda County, CA

            In part I of the Health Campaign Study (Wittstock, 2009) the topic of access to healthcare in Alameda County, California was reviewed.  In part I the realization was made that the simple provision of health care clinics open to a population regardless of the ability to pay does not equate to equal access to healthcare.  A population must do more than provide a safety-net of healthcare providers to eliminate healthcare disparities within a population.  Studies have shown that the proffered health services are lacking from accepted standards when the patient is non-English speaking (Cheng, Chen, & Cunningham, 2007).  The hours a clinic is open affects the working poor’s ability to obtain any healthcare services.  Even being covered by an insurance plan doesn’t guarantee that a person can afford the co-pays for medical treatment or pay the cost of prescriptions.  Equitable access to healthcare involves offering extended clinic hours so that working people can access both preventative and treatment healthcare for their families; making neighborhoods of equal safety and allowing all inhabitants equal access to healthy foods and safe recreation areas; making sure that the air quality is the same for all inhabitants of an area; and ensuring that all have equal access to education and employment opportunities.  Despite these findings, access to healthcare remains one of the prime indicators of a population’s health.  For this reason, access to healthcare was chosen as an initiative for Healthy People 2010, as evidenced by 17 core measures (Proctor S. , 2004).  A comparison of Alameda County, CA to the national progress towards these health goals will be the focus of this analysis.

            The 17 core measures are divided into four general topics of care: preventative care, primary care, emergency services, and long-term and rehabilitative services. The core measures are:

 Clinical preventive care

Persons with health insurance

Health insurance coverage for clinical preventive services

Counseling about health behaviors

Primary Care

            Source of ongoing care

            Usual primary care provider

            Difficulties or delays in obtaining needed health care

            Core competencies in health provider training

            Racial and ethnic representation in health professions

            Hospitalization for ambulatory-care-sensitive conditions

Emergency Services

            Delay or difficulty in getting emergency care

            Rapid prehospital emergency care

            Single toll-free number for poison control centers

            Trauma care systems

            Special needs of children

Long-term Care and Rehabilitative Services

            Long-term care services

            Pressure ulcers among nursing home residents (Healthy People 2010, n.d.)

Understandably, in an analysis of limited length, all 17 core measures cannot be examined. A closer examination will be made of two health indicators; persons with health insurance and having a usual source of medical care.

Definition of the indicators. To have apples to apples comparisons, the population in which these indicators are studied must be defined.  The Healthy People 2010 initiative defines “insurance coverage” as the percent of persons under age 65 who report health care coverage by any type of public or private health insurance (Department of Health and Human Services, n.d.). Having a source of ongoing care is defined by Healthy People 2010 as the percentage of people who report having a specific source of ongoing care.  Specifically, this question asks, “Is there a place that you usually go when you are sick or need advice about your health” (Department of Health and Human Services, n.d.). This indicator is reported in three age categories: all ages, children and youth ages 17 years and younger, and adults aged 18 years and older.  Finding data that allows a direct comparison at the local level to the national level is challenging. Of particular note is that two of the indicators for Healthy People 2010 were dropped (these are the ones listed in italics) due to the inability to identify data sources on a national level (Department of Health and Human Services, n.d.).  Data for the first of these two indicators is collected from the National Health Interview Survey (NHIS), the Center for Disease Control (CDC), and the NCHS on the national level.  At the state level the data is obtained from the Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (BRFSS), the CDC, and the National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion (NCCDPHP) (Department of Health and Human Services, n.d.). Data to support the second of the two indicators is obtained from the National Health Interview Survey at the national level (Department of Health and Human Services, n.d.), while at the state level the information is obtained from the California Health Interview Survey via an online query system called AskCHIS (California Health Interview Survey, 2005).

            Comparison of the populations.  Alameda County, California is not a representative snapshot of the rest of the U.S.  This county has a large immigrant population made of both Hispanics and Pacific Islanders/Asians.  African-Americans make up a larger percentage of the population than in other parts of the country, as well.  The following table shows some of the demographics of the population of Alameda County compared to the U.S population.

Table 1: Population Characteristics
Characteristic		% of population in Alameda Co.	% of population in California		% of population in the U.S.
Caucasian		56.4	76.6		79.8
Black		13.5	6.7		12.8
American Indian and Alaska Native persons		0.7	1.2		1.0
Asian		24.9	12.5		4.5
Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander		0.8	0.4		0.2
Two or more races		3.8	2.6		1.7
Persons of Hispanic or Latino origin		21.8	36.6		15.4
White persons not Hispanic		36.8	42.3		65.6
Language other than English spoken at home		36.8	39.5		17.9
High School Graduates		84.2	76.8		80.4
Bachelors Degree, or higher		34.9	26.6		24.4
Median Household Income		$68,263	$59,928		$50,740
Median Value of owner occupied housing unit		$303,100	$211,500		119,600
Home Ownership rate		54.7	56.9		66.2
Persons below poverty		11.7	12.4		13.0
Persons per square mile		1956.3	217.2		79.6
(U.S.Census Bureau, 2008)
Characteristic	% of population in Alameda Co.			% of population in California		% of population in the U.S.
Insured	89.1			81.8		83
Source of ongoing care	89.7			87.8		77
(California Health Interview Survey, 2005)(Healthy People 2010, n.d.)

Clearly, Alameda County is a far more diverse, well educated, and financially well off area than the remainder of the U.S.  Despite the education and wealth in this area, residents of Alameda county suffer from urban living, crowded living conditions, expensive housing, and the assorted crimes associated with urban living.  Alameda County is also performing slightly better than the remainder of the U.S on these two target measures to assess access to healthcare.  Unfortunately, one target is met. The goal set by Healthy People 2010 is that 100% of the population is covered by health insurance (Department of Health and Human Services, n.d.).  On the other hand, the second target has been met in California. The target for having a regular source of ongoing care is 85% (Department of Health and Human Services, n.d.).  Both Alameda County and the State have met this target, with both having rates that approach 90%.

            Community based response.  Despite Alameda County having an overall improved rate of health insurance and a source of regular care among its population, health disparities continue to exist. Drilling down in the data a bit further, huge inequities exist for health insurance coverage when examined by race. Figure 1 demonstrates the disparities in health insurance coverage, by race.

 (note figure one shows that whites have the insurance coverage, hispanics the worst. blacks and asians fall inbetween)

(Sutocky, 2008)

Figure 2 demonstrates the racial disparities in having a regular source of health care.

Figure 2

(figure 2 is similar to figure one, showing whites have more regular care, hispanics the least, blacks and asians inbetween) Refer to Sutocky on the web (in references) to see the original graphs

(Sutocky, 2008)

Alameda County sees these disparities as a serious concern. Although overall health indicators are improving for the entire population, the disparities between the races and socio-economic status are growing larger (The Alameda County Public Health Department, Office of the Director, Community Assessment, Planning, and Education (CAPE) Unit, 2006).  The county recognizes that health inequities are the result of larger social problems of “inequitable policies that continue to systematically deprive the residents of these neighborhoods of access to critical social goods such as good schools, better jobs, safe recreational space, clean air, and less crime” (The Alameda County Public Health Department, Office of the Director, Community Assessment, Planning, and Education (CAPE) Unit, 2006, pp. 4-5).  Alameda County has joined a larger initiative, the Bay Area Regional Health Inequities Initiative (BARHII) to help the cities and counties of the San Francisco Bay Area region to address health inequities in a systematic fashion, using city planning, legislation, and infrastructure change to improve health disparities in the population.  BARHII has published a guide for Public Health Departments and Planning Departments to refer to when planning strategies to improve the health in a community (Bay Area Regional Health Inequities Initiative, n.d.).  The California Health Policy Reform, a division of the Center for Health Improvement, has suggested 6 policies for cities and policymakers to follow to address health inequities:

1.       Embrace the concept of health in all policy

2.      Provide funding to encourage and support work across multiple sectors and disciplines

3.      Measure and monitor the impact of social policies on health

4.      Give voice to groups that are the most impacted by social and health inequities

5.      Develop policies that will reduce stress on individuals and families and interventions to help individuals cope better with stress

6.      Strengthen the social fabric of neighborhoods by connecting and supporting residents (Center for Health Improvement, 2009).

At all steps in health planning, the public is invited to comment at public hearings and other community events held at community centers; at community gathering spots, such as churches and recreation centers; and schools.  Without input from the people affected by the inequities, the suggested solutions may only add to the problem.

            Economic Factors. Naturally, economics plays a big factor in health equities and in health insurance provision.  In former times a majority of working people received health benefits through the employer.  Economic times have changed. In California over 90% of the workers are employed in firms with less than 50 employees.  Of this 90% of the workforce, only 24% have employer based health plans (California Healthcare Foundation, 2008).  Providing one’s one health insurance is very costly. Single-person health plans cost $4906 annually, on average, while family plans cost $13,427.  In order to save on initial costs, 8% of the population nationally have chosen high-deductible health plans with a health savings spending account option across the nation, but only 4% of the population have chosen this option in California (California Healthcare Foundation, 2008).  California is also leading the way with domestic partner benefits, which are offered by 57% of firms that offer health benefits.  Oddly enough, not every employee eligible for health benefits chooses to accept the benefits. Of the workers eligible to receive health benefits, only 83% elected to enroll in a health plan.  One factor affecting this rate is the rapid increase in health plan costs, which have doubled since 2002. Employees are expected to pay a portion of premiums and higher co-pays with most of the plans offered (California Healthcare Foundation, 2008).  The high cost of healthcare both in the purchase of insurance and the purchase of healthcare services has driven many employees to drop insurance coverage and do without.  Contrary to popular belief, 60% of the uninsured in California have incomes over $50,000 annually and hold down full-time jobs (California HealthCare Foundation, 2008).  

Alameda County has invested in supporting health clinics that provide services to its population regardless of a person’s ability to pay. Fully 31 health or dental clinics provide services to the community without regard to a person’s ability to pay.  This financial burden is supported by federal funds via Medicare and Medicaid payments to the clinics, from state income taxes, local sales taxes, and Proposition 10 funds (a sin tax on cigarette sales). These health clinics do not function as traditional health providers, rather they attempt to provide a “medical home”; a place where a regular source of healthcare may be obtained for the entire family.  The clinics try to provide “a culturally competent, high quality care [that] includes support services such as transportation, child care,[and] interpreters” (Alameda County Public Health Department, 2008, p. 126).  The county recognizes that having a healthy population improves the quality of life for the entire population and is willing to finance these beliefs.

Social Marketing.  A moderate investment in social marketing has been made by Alameda County to promote its health clinics and its provision of healthcare to its entire population. The predominant medium is found in small billboards placed at bus stops that are visible to both patrons of public transportation and to other users of the public roads. These advertisements promote calling a toll free number for health services if a woman finds she is pregnant and without healthcare.  Truthfully, this author has never seen another piece of social marketing by Alameda County promoting its public health causes aside from the bus advertisements.  An improvement certainly may be made in this area.

Conclusion.  California, and Alameda County in particular, has made progress in attaining two of the Healthy People 2010 objectives. 89.1% of the population of Alameda County is covered by a health insurance plan and 89.7% of the population can identify an ongoing source of medical care.  Of interest, 30% of the users of Alameda County safety-net clinics are holders of private health insurance, who chose to use the unique services of the Alameda County clinics despite having other choices for care.  The clinics provide care that is culturally sensitive, which is attractive to the multicultural population of this geographic area.  Simple access to healthcare, however, does not equate to health equities.  Many factors determine a person’s health status. Unfortunately, those who are not born White suffer many impedances to good health, including having access to healthy foods, recreational areas, lower crime rates, and overall higher stress levels. Until the other determinants of health are addressed, the population of the U.S. may never enjoy real health equities.

References

Alameda County Public Health Department. (2008, August). Life and Death from Unnatural Causes: Health and Social Inequity in Alameda County. Retrieved September 20, 2009, from Alameda County Public Health Department: http://www.acphd.org/AXBYCZ/Admin/DataReports/00_2008_full_report.pdf

Bay Area Regional Health Inequities Initiative. (n.d.). Healthy Planning Guide. Retrieved September 21, 2009, from Bay Area Regional Health Inequities Initiative: http://www.barhii.org/resources/downloads/barhii_healthy_planning_guide.pdf

California Health Interview Survey. (2005). AskCHIS. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from California Health Interview Survey: http://www.askchis.com/main/DQ3/output.asp?_rn=0.3471033

California Healthcare Foundation. (2008, December). California Employer Health Benefits Survey. Retrieved October 5, 2009, from California Healthcare Foundation: http://www.chcf.org/documents/insurance/EmployerBenefitsSurvey08.pdf

California HealthCare Foundation. (2008). Snapshot: California's Uninsured. Retrieved October 5, 2009, from http://www.chcf.org/documents/insurance/UninsuredSnapshot08.pdf

Center for Health Improvement. (2009, July). Calfornia Health Policy Reform. Retrieved 5 2009, October, from Center for Health Improvement: http://www.chipolicy.org/pdf/6166.HealthInequities2009.pdf

Cheng, E. M., Chen, A., & Cunningham, W. (2007). Primary Language and Receipt of Recommended Health Care Among Hispanics in the United States. Journal of General Internal Medicine , 22 (2), 283-288.

Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Healthy People 2010 Operational Definition. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from Center for Disease Control: ftp://ftp.cdc.gov/pub/Health_Statistics/NCHS/Datasets/DATA2010/Focusarea01/O0101.pdf

Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Healthy People 2010 Operational Definition. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from Center for Disease Control: ftp://ftp.cdc.gov/pub/Health_Statistics/NCHS/Datasets/DATA2010/Focusarea01/O0104a.pdf

Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Midcourse review Healthy People 2010: Modifications to objectives and subobjectives. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from Healthy People 2010: http://www.healthypeople.gov/data/midcourse/html/focusareas/FA01Modifications.htm

Healthy People 2010. (n.d.). 1: Access to Quality Health Services. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from Healthy People 2010: http://www.healthypeople.gov/document/html/volume1/01access.htm

Healthy People 2010. (n.d.). Access to Quality Health Services. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from Healthy People 2010: http://www.healthypeople.gov/Document/HTML/Volume1/01Access.htm

Proctor, S. (2004, October). Racial and Ethnic Disparities in Selected Healthy People 2010 . Retrieved October 4, 2009, from Center for Disease Control: National Center for Health Statistics: www.cdc.gov/nchs/ppt/hpdata2010/apha04/s_proctor_apha04.ppt

Sutocky, J. (2008). Healthy People 2010 Leading Health Indicators: California Update. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from California Department of Public Health: Center for Health Statistics: http://ww2.cdph.ca.gov/pubsforms/Pubs/OHIRhp2010LeadingHealthIndicator2008.pdf

The Alameda County Public Health Department, Office of the Director, Community Assessment, Planning, and Education (CAPE) Unit. (2006). Alameda County Health Status Report, 2006. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from Alameda County Department of Public Health: http://www.acphd.org/AXBYCZ/Admin/DataReports/00_chsr2006-final.pdf

U.S.Census Bureau. (2008). Fast FactsAlameda County, CA & U.S Fast Facts. Retrieved October 4, 2009, from U.S. Census Bureau: http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/06/06001.html

Wittstock, S. (2009). Health Campaign Study- Part I: Access to Healthcare in Alameda County. University of Phoenix, Healthcare Sciences, Phoenix, AZ.

Test?

Yes, it is all just one big test, isn't it?

It's a test of patience, of which I'm slowing growing some. It's a test of staying power. It's a test of sticking by one's guns and for what is right. In this context, I'm speaking of work. What an interesting ball of crap this all is.

It's also a test in my personal life. How confused can I get? I think that is the ultimate test. With T I've been careful to not start conversations, as I don't want to seem needy or clingy. I've finally stopped having thoughts of him first thing when I wake up. I kinda miss that, but it's not in my control anyway, so I have to give that up. So what's happened? I get messages from him more frequently than I used to. I generally started the day's conversations, but now he is doing this. It's neither a bad nor a good thing. It just is. Overall, things feel much as they did before. We get along well. We play together. We still make innuendos, though I think less than previously. We don't talk of snuggling, nor of kisses. Really, that feels like the only change. How odd is this? We've gone from lovers/bf-gf to "just friends". Yep, a test, for sure.

Nightmares

Just when I'm finally sleeping adequately, I'm having nightmares.  I've always wondered what prompts them.  Last night I had two of them, though one was far worse than the other.  I had been reading an Amy Tan book prior to my falling asleep. In it she recollected how a friend of hers had been murdered.  My dreams, I think, took a hold of that image and worked on it some more. In the fuzziness of the morning, I remember guns, and fear, and breaking glass. I also remember waking up just enough to say, I need to switch this dream to something else.  I eventually fell back asleep only to be staying at my friend's house in my dream, only my friend never showed up.  A key had been left for me to let me in, but no friend. I fell asleep at the house, but still no friend by morning. I woke up wondering if this was more in the genre of murder and fear for a person's life, or was it in the genre of the previous week of being dumped.  In either genre, it sucked. I'm not a huge worrier type person (well, at least not compared to my mother!) so when something gets me worried, it's pretty significant.

I've heard the information about choosing not to dream these things, or being able to change the channel when one becomes conscious of having a bad dream, but I've never been successful at either.  Sometimes I think these dreams are a way to prepare me for the future.   Sure, I can take the general safety precautions of locking my doors, closing windows on the ground floor at night, but sometimes one has to learn how to still think rationally in fear.  Same thing with the second dream. Perhaps I need to learn what to do when a person goes missing. I woke up in the process of calling my friend's cell phone in the dream, to see if my friend simply got drunk and stayed somewhere else that night, if my friend picked up someone and stayed at that person's house, or if my friend was in trouble somewhere.  I'll never know where my friend was in the dream, though all of my friends have the courtesy to let me know if they aren't coming home when I've been invited to stay at their home!

For whatever reason, I'm having these bad dreams and I wish they would stop. I need to feel rested when I wake up, not as if I've been fighting for my life!  That said, at least I am sleeping again.  I'm not feeling as emotional as I had been. True, my feelings are very guarded currently, but I'm doing okay.